"To love is to risk not being loved in return".

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, But risk must be taken, Because the greatest regret in life is to have risked nothing "


Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has

Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all*

__________
And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway
They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say


FOREVER FRIEND
one doesnt get too many of those now do they? who are yours? For whom are you one?

_____
lifes flying by
its a game everyone plays
no rules
no right answers
its a choose your own adventure style novel.

blur of a weekend

well
tons has hpnd since my last post
but lets talk about love

i was all confused and then found i wasnt and then he was confused and then i was again but now.

we've been at this for a month on off on off and i know i want to be with him. funnily enough it took coming so close to losing him to realize how much i want him.

love is SCARY. its like putting your heart on a little glass plate and handing it to someone to like, balance in their hand. All they have to do is flip their hand and SPLAT ure heart shatters on the floor and that hurts soo bad its like each shard of glass then stabs you all over,
...and now both of us know what that feels like.

and it SUX.

i just wana be happy and in love like we were all summer. our relationship has matured so much. im now ready to like, move on to our new stage.
10 MONTHS. ive known him this entire year. I don't know one day of 2006 without him in my life. thats pretty crazy now isnt it? He's been in my head for 300 days! ahh thats a lot. lol. and Every single day. only a handful of them have we not talked. but he was stil in my head and heart.

loves a funny thing.
it can make you feel On Top of the WORLD like you have some secret lifesource and you and this one person share your own little bubble that No one else can ever see or know about or feel.
It can also make you feel sicktoyourstomach want to crawl in a dark hole and waste away from the pain.

And everywhere in between.

its tough. i mean love + school = inevitable complications. and love so young is always gona be more drama. most of us are just getting a sense of who we are but at this age as soon as you figure it out before you know it you're changing again! and changing With someone is not an easy thing to do. My mom talks about it like when I asked kinda like, how her and Dad manage to be married for their entire lives like close to 40 Years! and she explained it like, they were lucky in the sense that theyve changed together, like obviously over that time theyve completely changed who they are but fortunately they're still completely compatible and have learned to adapt to one another and deal with eachther and so are able to trust in their love for one another.

anyways though-love love love

Love takes time. It needs a history of giving and receiving, laughing
and crying...

"It is the passion that is in a kiss that gives to it its sweetness; it is the affection in a kiss that sanctifies it."

this one is def. true for this relationship! lol
"I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain. I want to weep at the sound of your name. Come make me laugh, come make me cry... just make me feel alive." Oscar Wilde

Entra en mi vida, te abro la puerta(a certain song i thought of this one week last january...)

"You know you love someone when you cannot put into words how they make you feel.
You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry".

love is so fickle, back and forth, hot and cold, perfect and disastrous
such a juxtaposition of opposites
but sometimes it makes so much sense.

the view from our last summer...

we trace the sun across the sky



and we laugh till we cry

always so hard to say goodbye

and we all sit round here in out home town

it's so good like this, these are times we'll miss

the memories, i hope they'll never fade

glowing embers lie across the sky
________________
Can you feel it?
I didn't mean it
Can I see you?
What are we doin'?
I think I love you
But I ain't sayin'
Nothin' you don't know
_________________________________
I've written you this letter,
got it back return to sender.
But I just can't remember you being quiet like that.
Misunderstand, we're holding hands,
we're at the beach, we're throwing sand.
As the lights just go up all around us
I'm sitting under falling stars
and I wish you were here with me
___________________________
A foot note in your dance of days
In my mind that record still plays
Still wonder what the hell it says
I'm hoping there is time today
____________________________________
I wanted to write one perfect song
To make you cry in your sleep.
Kind of like a soundtrack for your dreams,
To let you know I'm watching
And making sure it turns out alright
________________________________________
Yes indeed I'm alone again
and here comes emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
I can't find an in between
Wish there was something new I could say or do.
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
-ben folds

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
-coldplay
____________________________________
I don't know if I can make it.
I don't know if I'm that strong.
I don't know where we went wrong but somehow it's over.
In my mind I see you clearly.
In my dreams I feel you near me.
I want to know, does this feeling go away?

_____________________
Sometimes I wish I had never met you
because then I could go to sleep at
night not knowing there was someone
like you out there.
____________________
"Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses."
___________________________
don't know what I was looking for when I went home, I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say, You'll be all right. What's on your mind?
But the water's shallow here and I am full of fear, and empty handed after two long years
Back home I always thought I wanted so much more, now I'm not too sure
Cause sometimes I miss knowing someone's there for me and feeling free
Free to stand beside the ocean in the moonlight
_____________________________________
Another day is going by
I'm thinking about you all the time
But you're out there
And I'm here waiting

And I wrote this letter in my head
Cuz so many things were left unsaid
But now you're gone
And I can't think straight

This could be the one last chance
To make you understand

___________
the way you hold your knife
the way we danced till three
the way you changed my life
oh no, they can't take that away from me

quotes

I’ve learned that good-byes will always hurt, pictures can never replace being there, memories forget the hard times, words can never replace feelings, and heroes often go unsung.

Maybe some people just aren’t meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through. It’s like some people just come through our lives to bring us something: a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn, and that’s why they’re here... you’ll have that gift forever. - The Gift

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

Love is like a puzzle. When you're in love, all the pieces fit but when your heart gets broken, it takes a while to get everything back together.


Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.

I am tired, Beloved,
of chafing my heart against
the want of you;
of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.
~Amy Lowell

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.

Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.

How lucky I am to have known someone so hard to say good-bye to.

We laughed until we had to cry, we loved right down to our last goodbye, but over the
years we'll smile and recall for just one moment we had it all.

I'M ASKING you "What in the world should we do?"
This light is green our break is through.
Are we not trying or are we trying too hard?
Well, you know I never want to miss,
I hold on tight and reminisce.
But it's bittersweet to me.
When time stands still as it's trapped inside
the letterbox you gave back to me.
But I'm the one who keeps on reading.
But I'm the one who wants to let it go.
I'm the first to speak.
You're the last to know.
Another scene that we're creating,
I need to know if we're still making useless progress.

Waiting for the rain to stop.
Destination: beautiful.
Seems that I'm still waiting for the sun. (Whoa whoa)
Someday will come back to us, if you're willing let it go.
Why won't you just let this be your sun?
It seems like yesterday we had the world our way.
But some (whoa) say we're headed for destruction.
________________________________________________________
We were
A stormy night turned summer day
Then turned to gray
Ominous clouds rumbled
While we were on the beach
But we just celebrated
The ending of the thunder

You kept laughing
While I watched
The sun fade into
Fog

You brought me offerings of
Palm tree leaves
And I buried
My feet deeper in the sand

You climbed atop a tree
To show your devotion

And I struck you with a lightning bolt.

And I got singed.
__________________________________________________________________
I don't know how to not love you, I only know how to not let you go
___________________________________________________________________
Drowning, just as fast as I can.
But don't throw me a line,
don't reach out your hand.

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I kill myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
It's all I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees
Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah

It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
And you can't see when all your dreams are coming true
Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
And you choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was
Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong
And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
Yeah
Stranger than your sympathy
________________________________________________________________
I'm dying to know

Do you like dreaming of things

so impossible or only the practical

or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad bad days

just to end them with

someone you care about

and do you like making out

and long drives and brown eyes

yeah do you like them

if yes, I'll see you there.

___________________________________________________________________________
She's got a pretty smile it covers up the poison that she hides
She walks around in circles in my head waiting for a chance to take me a
Chance to break me a chance to take me down now i see this burden you gave me is too much to
Carry too much to bury inside i guess you're the only one that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one left standing when everything else goes down
You're still the only one, you're still the only one
It's all shallow and all so appealing I'm up to my ankles and i'm drowning
Anyway in a sea of sarcastic faces familiar places where everything looks
Quite the same here it's all confusingly amusing bitter and tainted
The picture you painted to me i guess you're the only one that nobody changes i guess you're
The only one left standing when everything else goes down you're still the only one
Who will never change faces i guess you're the only one left standing
When everything else goes down just 'cause it's all in your head
Doesn't mean it has to be in mine don't believe what you said still can't get it out of my mind
I've tried to find myself in approval i've already been there already done that it got me nowhere
It brought me nothing but a good place to hide in no one to confide in now
I guess you're the only one that nobody changes i guess you're the only one who will never
Change faces
___________________________________________________________________
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Got lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame

so fkn $^#

yo i cant deal with this shit liek everyone is fkn doin al their hmwk like they should and i just dont give a fuck anymore and then im just digging my hole deeper and then i feel more like giving up

what i want and what i should are so completely different in every possible aspect im stuck

aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

theres no fucking answer to anything

i want something i cant have and not having it is making me sad and having half of it still was making me sad and wtf

i dont wana do anything thers no fucking easy way out and nothing can make it easier except time but u cant just let it go by bc everyone else keeps right on chuggin and givin u more hmwk and fluctuating their feelings for you friends or whoever

and no one wants to hear it anymore
bc
you and them both know theres no amount of advice thats gona fix it
and they have their own shit goin on

so heres my fkn journal my best friends, the only unbiased place i can tell about my problems bc it doesnt have any of its own and doesnt have any feelings towards me at all

ikosdjnjfk%^&#%&@#%!@

time being wasted

Here I am
Alone again
Eating old food
Wishing it tasted good
Trying to catch up
On the endlessly growing stack of papers
Wishing I could forget it all
And crawl into bed

I miss summer when it was just me and love and nothing else
All of me was synchronized
Body heart and mind.
I spent boring hours in an office
But enjoyed the company of people
And the freedom of a car

There was nothing over my head
And I wished it could last forever

But here I am
Eating old food
Wishing it tasted good
Like his kisses everynight
Before cuddling close and
Dreaming together

Waking up in his arms
Eager for a morning hug
Tolerating the boring job
Planning excitement and
Enjoyement
Endless entertainment
That’s all it was

And here I am
Alone again.

Lost in memories
Pretending I can hit Pause on time
While I reminisce

Struggling to live here now
To confront what life has for me now

Wondering why the hours went so slow and now
They’re racing minutes
to see who can keep me
Lost
For longer.


thanks to eri-good song
the perishers-my heart

trying and failing to be productive
its like i forgot how to read and learn anything
and suddnly its dinner time when i just had breakfast and only 1/2 a chapter's been completed

wes says to drop out and join the circus
maybe thats a good idea

who says u have to go to college now when ure young
thats the only time u can do anything else with ure life
once u graduate u gota get a job n start ure life etc

whats the rush

but no im on a conveyor belt
and i know its logical and practical and efficent and all that

but i miss

confusion

September 20 2006

its been awhile, a longgggg while

well here i am
on a break/broken up from my boyfriend.
im at school now, college in boston...
no more new haven, no more of my own room own house own family own car
now i share everything all the time even my food and time asleep
i dont really like that
i miss having my very own

even though all summer i had a type of roomate as well, but i guess it was "ours" not mine and his...rather than with a roomate its hers and mine,.


but yea, as i heard today in my meeting that made me thing
"ppl get homesick and they call home and their boyfriends everyday, but that doesnt solve it long term, they need to get roots here, and feel like they belong"

and thats very very true for me right now, last year i didnt have roots

anyway so this song:

Chasing Cars
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

is very important
and i get the feeling of sitting on a beach at sunset on a cold beach alone and staring at the navy waves

and my thoughts are half swimming in the water the other half falling like fireworks through the sunset


anyway tho
i wish i had time to waste
i wish i could be in 2 places at once
i wish i could

put life on PAUSE (so i can catch up on work, school, being here etc, REWIND(to the summer) or Fast Forward (so I kno whats gona happen and where ill be and everyone else)

ok one more movie

This is Garden State. It is excellent while under the influence of a splendid leaf.
I wish i had this to watch right now w my roomie. i also would like platanitos to munch on.

Beyond Borders-see it.

Very Compelling!, January 27, 2006 Reviewer: S. Jenkins
"Beyond Borders" spans three war-torn, third-world countries. This is a five-star movie in my opinion simply because you leave wondering how you can help. The love story is not the focus of the movie. It is simply used to connect the settings. The focus of the movie is the men, women and children displaced by war and famine across the world. It is an attempt to spotlight an issue that most of us do not think about, but which we should. You leave the movie feeling lucky that you have a home and food, and wonder how you can help those who are less fortunate. Scenery is breathtaking. The humanitarian effort is valiant and endearing. Deeply moving and inspiring. This movie is a very well-crafted, well-directed, and well-acted wake-up call, a valuable education, and good story. I find it difficult to understand how some people could watch this movie and not be moved. Angelina Jolie and Clive Owen were fantastic. Great job! This film is one of a kind.

breese and I want to live in la casa:

the Theme of our room will be-Summer on an spanish island :)

Me in Honduras. a typical store in Central America-aka where breese& want to live. Tortilla & refried beans-yummmmmmm i could eat this every day. What our room is gona look like: crazy bright colors. Breese in Cuba

pets

Breese STILL says we cant get a hamster next year or she'll throw it out the window
but she said maybe we could have a HEDGEHOG! : )

mornin

ooook
lol i had 3 shots and was tipsy but wouldn't let myself go anywhere/breese wouldnt go anywhere
so me and my wasted roomate and her 2 friends looked for eastern europeans on facebook bc her frined has a fetish. lol
and oh but i texted the friend who wasnt talkin to me and he wrote back once like "actually i kinda miss u i hope ure alrite" and even the fact that he wrote back made me feel better :) and then yea then i fell asleep
and now i feel like working (why is it easier to wake up at 8am then 9 something?)
i basically can't work at night anymore-its wierd.
ps this girl who was a senior at choate when i was a freshman and we were kinda friends poked me on facebook. random

i have a knack for fallin for the good parts of assholes

n im terrible at letting them go.

also terrible at getting my work done when everyone else is partying and im falling asleep.